You’ve heard the conspiracy theories about Area 51, that Paul McCartney died in 1967, and that “conspiracy theories” are just a big conspiracy. Did you know that every time you looked at a map of northern Europe, you were seeing evidence of one more great big hoax? According to a growing number of people, the nation of Finland is just a big hoax, designed to perpetuate a conspiracy between Russia and Japan.
According to those who hold to this notion, the land we know as Finland isn’t land at all; it’s actually a body of water in between Russia and Sweden. The idea that a country exists there dates back to 1918, the supposed time of Finnish independence from Russia. Russia and Japan were still patching up their differences from the recently-fought Russo-Japanese War. In an effort to foster good relations between the two nations, they agreed to designate the watery territory as a fishing domain for Japan, where the nation could be free of environmental or other regulatory restrictions. The name for this mysterious place came out of its primary purpose: it was designed for fishing. What do fish have? Fins. Ergo: Fin-land.
The bountiful catch needed to be easily shipped to Japan. This triggered the building of the Trans-Siberian railway. What’s that, you say? You haven’t heard about a large amount of seafood being sent across Russia in this manner? Of course not. That’s all part of the conspiracy. If you were to investigate the shipments of the cargo trains, you would find voluminous crates marked “Nokia.” Nokia, you see, is the largest company in so-called “Finland.” That’s also why Japan is the largest importer of Nokia products, even though you will scarcely find anyone in Japan who actually owns a Nokia cell phone.
“But wait,” you say. “What about all the people from Finland? And how do you explain the fact that I actually know Finnish people? Besides that, how do you account for the fact that I could buy a ticket today to fly to Finland?” Those are good questions. The answer just reveals the genius of the Russo-Japanese conspiracy. Finnish people actually exist, but they don’t really live in Finland. They think they do, but they are from small towns on either the eastern part of Sweden, the western part of Russia, or the northern part of Estonia. Helsinki, Finland’s largest city and capital, is really in eastern Sweden.
But wait a minute… Surely Sweden, Estonia, and other nearby countries are aware of this, right? Naturally, the community of nations were well aware of the arrangement, but because it was in everyone’s best interest for Russia and Japan to get along, they were fully supportive of the arrangement. That was over a century ago, however, and over time, everyone just began to take for granted the artificial boundary placed on maps to keep non-Japanese fishermen out of “Finland.”
The evidence of the whole conspiracy is pretty obvious. No real country could so consistently place first in education, healthcare, gender equality, literacy rates, national stability, the least corrupt government in the world, and freedom of the press. Such countries exist only in one’s imagination.
Who was it who exposed this great conspiracy to the world? He is a young who goes by the name Raregans on Reddit. Raregans said he learned about Finland from his parents. “I was about 8 or 9, and they just casually brought it up one morning when we were watching the news and Finland was mentioned,” he said. “I can’t remember the exact wording at the time, but the gist of it was that Finland didn’t exist. It didn’t seem that big of a thing to me at the time, because when you’re a kid, your parents’ word is gospel.”
The big secret pretty much remained within Raregans’ family until he took his teachings to Reddit. He wrote a post asking about the weirdest things your parents taught you. He laid out the whole idea, and it blew up. This would be the Finland-doesn’t-exist conspiracy’s sermon on the mount, this was its fundamental teaching.
Curiously enough, Raregans doesn’t actually subscribe to the conspiracy. He has full confidence in the existence of Finland. His idea, however, has taken on a life of its own.
After his initial post a sub-reddit, r/finlandConspiracy, blossomed with the tagline “The Truth is Finnly Veiled.” Another faction, the true believers, congregate around r/trueFinlandConsipiracy. The first post in the Reddit states that the evidence uncovered is “actually quite convincing.” Believers have little patience or time for anyone who suggests that the whole fake-Finland thing is all just a big joke.
Is Finland real? If left up to the internet, the world will never know.
Read about more conspiracies here.
Read more fun facts about Finland (if they can be believed).