Don’t List These Awards on Your Resume


finklemanIn a world that cherishes personal achievement, there are some awards you probably don’t want to have associated with your name. Here are just a few:

The Diagram Prize is awarded each year to for the book with the most unusual title. Recent winners include:

  • Strangers Have the Best Candy (2014)
  • How to Poo on a Date (2013)
  • Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop (2012)
  • Cooking With Poo (2011)
  • Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way (2010)

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (not to be confused with the Lyttle Lytton Contest mentioned in this post) is awarded for deliberately writing the worst opening sentence to a novel. Here are some recent recipients:

  • When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose.” (2014)
  • As he girded himself against the noxious, sulfurous fumes that belched from the chasm in preparation for descent into the bowels of the mountain where mighty pressure and unimaginable heat made rock run in syrupy rivers, Bob paused to consider the unlikely series of events that had led him to become the Great God Vulcan’s proctologist.” (2014 special award)
  • “As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.” (2012)
Bloom County by Berke Breathed
Bloom County by Berke Breathed

The Razzie Award is given for the worst work in motion pictures. In 2013 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part II won the Razzie for Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actress, Worst Screen Ensemble, Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel, and Worst Screen Couple. One good thing that came out of this movie’s near-sweep of all of the Razzie awards that year is that it conclusively proved for all time that vampires really do suck.

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